Why I Am Ready For Prison
At the tender age of 21, I was in a five-year relationship that ended like an episode of the Maury Povich show. However, this wasn’t an episode of The Maury Show and the wounds I incurred exiting this relationship changed my life. Three years later, the second woman I fell in love with, intentionally doused that wound in gasoline and that relationship ended like The Notebook. Except I wasn’t Noah, I was the other guy she left, Lon. Being Lon after being a guest on The Maury Show, nuked what was left of my ability to love and left me a very young and very broken young man.
I wasn’t even in my mid-twenties and I had enough emotional scar tissue to make a solid argument to never step foot into the arena of love ever again. I mean, I’d chat with men in their 40s who had less scar tissue than I had. Jaded and jilted, I engaged in a single life that resembled that of characters from my favorite movies, Alex Hitchens and Jacob Palmer.
As a single man in my mid-twenties, I was guarded and would lash out at women who attempted to emotionally get close to me. I would come and go as I pleased without the ramifications of having to check in with anyone or tend to anyone else's emotions. Often I'd book domestic trips on a whim and then when I lived abroad I was able to travel the world alone. I loved the experiences that I amassed and the people I met during these times were fantastic. Although I was deeply wounded, I enjoyed the emotional safety blanket that the single life in NYC provided. Among my group of friends, my single life was often a curious topic of conversation as folks would love to hear stories to live vicariously through my experiences. As a result of the freedoms that I experienced in my single life, juxtaposed against the experiences of those who wanted to live vicariously through me, I came to believe that relationships are like prisons and I wanted no parts of being incarcerated.
Yes, I just compared being in a relationship to being incarcerated but hear me out real quick. Racial implications aside, incarcerated folks don't have the freedoms to explore beyond the boundaries of the prison and are unable to vote. Similarly, folks in relationships aren't able to explore beyond the boundaries of the relationship and aren't able to “vote” with anyone else but their partner.
We are all aware of the negatives that being incarcerated entails. However, there are a few positives to being in prison. The intention of prison is to rehabilitate prisoners. Prison provides a structured schedule, three meals, a bed to sleep on, access to weight train to get in shape, read books, meditate, reflect on how to move forward in life and you get to wear a coveralls. I mean look at what prison did for Gucci Mane. If your reaction to this prison analogy is anything like when I share this with people in person you’re likely rolling your eyes right now but stay with me.
I believed that people willingly give up their freedoms to go to prison for generally three main reasons:
1. They want to have children “the right way”
2. “Everyone else is doing it” in their circle of friends and they don’t want to be socially left out
3. They don’t want to die alone and wants a partner to witness the death
Even the happiest couples that I know admit that they didn’t willingly exchange their freedoms for love. They exchanged their freedoms for the aforementioned reasons and the byproduct of that was/is making the daily decision to stay in love.
Freedom is important to me. I love being able to pick up and go without having to check in with someone or be overly concerned with how my actions impact someone else's feelings. If I am going to go to prison it's going to be for an exceptional woman that will encompass all the things I believe I need to be a healthy participant in a serious relationship. Things like communication, trust, companionship, common interests, balance, availability, and humor; in short add value to one another's life while encouraging/challenging one another to do dope shit individually and collectively.
While freedom doesn't get old, the experiences within that freedom do and I truly thought that I would never arrive at this place. However, I thought that if I did get to this place, that finding someone would be easy as flipping a switch. What most folks don’t understand is that when I commit it's because I am exchanging that freedom for someone who is so exceptional that I am running full sprint to the doors of the prison and banging on the doors to let me in. Since the trauma of my twenties, I again fell in love with one woman who was amazing but our wounds were unable to weather the storms that I brought into the relationship. That relationship reinvigorated my hope to once again step into that Colosseum of love and lead me to seek out a therapist to put a healing balm on my wounds and so I could love her better.
At 31, having had fulfilled all of my single desires, traveled to all of the countries that I wanted to visit as a single man, and spent three years in therapy dealing with my issues; I am ready to go to prison. There are no more hot new clubs I want to go to while shouting into stranger's ears. There are no more bar stools I want to sit at, alone, waiting to see who comes in. There are no more trips abroad I want to take alone. There are no more mobile dating apps I want to download. There are no more swipes right that I have left to give. There are no more women I want to chase to grab a drink with. There are no more pointless dates, with flaky people, that I want to go on. There are no more post date cab rides that I want to take where I feel more lonely than when the date began. There are no more weddings that I want to scramble to find a date for. There are no more dinners I want to make where I have clean up after cooking. There are no more new bottles of wine that I am unable to share with someone. There are no more times I want to leave my apartment and not have someone help me make sure my suit is fitting properly on my shoulders. There are no more times I want to celebrate without having someone by my side equally as hype. In short, there are no more single adventures I have left to conquer. I am ready for prison...for an exceptional woman; because I am now an exceptional man.